Top 5 Reasons Crown Point is Never Getting a Trader Joe’s

Crown Point social media users regularly state that Trader Joe’s, (the popular grocery chain founded in 1958 in Pasadena California,) would be one of the most desirable additions to their local economy. With 569 current freestanding locations including 17 in the Chicago region alone, we were naturally curious as to why Lake County had not yet seen the opening of a local store. Here are the top 5 reasons we learned about when we looked into the issue.

 

Reason #5 – You people eat ranch dressing like it’s hummus or guacamole.

Let’s talk about that.

Have you ever thought about Hummus or Guacamole? Specifically, what they are made of?

They’re made of plants.

Sure, guacamole is made out of avocados, which are like some kind of weird plant that’s made of butter but it’s still a plant. You know what’s not a plant? Buttermilk, sour cream, and mayonnaise. Those are the first three ingredients in ranch dressing. It’s a fine thing to put onto plants, but we know you people are dunking breadsticks, pizza, and sandwiches in the stuff. Trader Joe’s isn’t trying to be part of that.

Ranch is not supposed to be scooped. 

 

Reason #4 – Crown Point has a strong tradition of unionization and organized labor in the retail and grocery market

Okay that’s not true at all and it’s probably more true in places that have a Trader Joe’s, but it’s nice to imagine.

 

Reason #3 – They just like South Bend better.

With a population of over 100,000, a major university, a zoo, and a rich history of automobile production South Bend is a treasure right here in Indiana. Located on the beautiful St. Joseph river, South Bend also has the charming moniker “The Lotion City.”

For all these reasons and more, visit South Bend. Don’t forget to stop by the Trader Joe’s while you’re there!

 

Reason #2 – It’s because of you, Stacy. Does that make you happy? Everything is always all about you.

That’s right Stacy. None of the other people here would like to have a Trader Joe’s we could go to in town. You’re the only one who could even appreciate an option like that. What’s more, you’re the only person here that the Trader Joe’s company would even be interested in making happy by deciding to open a store here. Nobody else is important, in fact we’re all just living here to enjoy the benefits living in a community composed entirely of retail, grocery, and dining options that have located themselves here to please you. Specifically.

 

And the #1 Reason Crown Point is never going to get a Trader Joes is: You already have an Aldi you barely use.