Local Insights: Horoscopes for July 13 to Mid-August 2022

GEMINI  (May 21–June 21)

An emphasis on romantic partnerships, money, and travel will have Gemini tempted to pin a lot of hopes on their partners in the coming month, but pinning an AirTag on them is probably a better idea.

CANCER  (June 22–July 22)

Cancer are represented by the sign of the crab, and as such they are thought of as cautious people that will just as soon walk backward as forward. They are also a water sign and shouldn’t fear getting their feet wet and stepping out of their comfort zone this month, especially after the water has gotten high enough that walking around it isn’t an option.

LEO (July 23–August 22)

A co-worker who’s been testing your patience while claiming to be “yanking your chain” will provide you with greater personal space if you hit them with the ball on the end of it.

VIRGO (August 23–September 22)

The pursuit of love is a path paved with false starts, dead ends, and misunderstandings for all of us. In your case, it is also a path festooned with delicious red herring, which is better than most of us can say.

LIBRA (September 23–October 23)

With the summer months come increased socialization and recreation. This year, Libra will find that this involves pressure to jockey for position within their social and work hierarchies. This is good news, as most of a jockey’s work consists of smacking big horse asses.

SCORPIO (October 24–November 21)

The expression “nothing ventured, nothing gained” probably wasn’t meant to be advice regarding bets involving the shaving off of hair.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22–December 21)

A gym teacher once told me “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll wind up among the stars.” Had I known that he majored in orbital mechanics at MIT I might have drawn better conclusions about the quality of his advice.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

An important time of year is approaching in a few weeks for Capricorn as the sun is entering into Cancer, (their opposite sign). Spend a few hours over the next two weeks to ask yourself what you’d like to accomplish in the next six months as the Zodiac returns to your own birth sign, such as filing those 2021 Federal Income Taxes.

AQUARIUS (January 20–February 18)

With some major changes in the stars regarding luck in terms of wealth, Aquarius will soon find themselves with money to burn. They should remember the dye packs and plan ahead of time for disposal of the resulting ashes.

PISCES (February 19–March 20)

Unfinished business is following you around for the past few weeks and it threatens to take you off your path. You should check for a small bag of weed or possibly the remnants of a joint under your car’s passenger seat.

ARIES (March 21–April 19)

As earth signs, Aries are seen as humble people who don’t let themselves get carried away by fanciful dreams and unrealistic wishes. Somebody like that could bring in a lot of money selling NFT images of sweatshirts with zodiac signs airbrushed on them. Don’t be stupid, if we don’t take these people’s money somebody else will. The stars don’t see another opportunity this promising coming around again anytime soon.

TAURUS (April 20–May 20)

Anyone who wants to tell you that “the devil is always in the details” is probably trying to appeal to your laziness with fine print so that you’ll ignore the devil that’s spelled out clearly and hiding in plain sight.